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FEATURED
Practice and Aging Parents
Over the last couple of years, I've written some about a variety of personal experiences. Currently, many of my students, as well as myself, are dealing with aging and dying parents. My father-in-law passed about 2½ years ago, my own father passed away about 4 months ago, and my mother had a major stroke about 1 month ago. There are so many challenges that that show up around these events, as well as during the time leading up to it, both personal and familial.
I'm always grateful for my consistent yoga practice and the teachings that I have received; the strength and effectiveness of these long-term practices, done with devotion, become particularly apparent during stressful times like these. Most of us have a natural tendency to be a bit more lax when we feel good, but then turn to our practice for support when we are suffering. Something analogous would be to change your diet/lifestyle after you discover you have heart disease. We all know that prevention is the best medicine! Well, this works for the mind and the body as well!
The causes of our suffering and the tendency discussed above, is written about in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, a philosophical and practical text from between 200 BCE – 200 CE. Despite its age, it is quite profound and has great relevance in contemporary life, especially its emphasis on the mind. In the second chapter, it speaks of the causes of our suffering, kleshas, as if they are seeds placed in our mind. It says these seeds have different levels of development – dormant, weakened, interrupted, or aroused – and that we can reduce the potency of or even remove these causes of our suffering through yoga practice. It goes on to tell us that the most important time to do our practice is when things are good, and that during this time, just because the kleshas might be more diminished, doesn't mean you can be idle. The basic idea is that the better I feel, the more active I want to be in my practice and the more watchful I am of myself. Deeper self-tranformation and self-development is often more easily accomplished during good times. So when life takes a turn in an unexpected direction, we are prepared.
The path of yoga often accompanies a great deal of transformation, both internally and externally. Change helps us know ourselves more fully when approached with a mind and heart open to embracing the opportunity. Change has been happening in my life for the last few years at a accelerated pace; I try my best to surrender, to let go, to trust, with a deep sense of gratitude for it all.
So whether you are doing a regular home practice already or want to begin something to help now, I would like to share a few ideas about how to deal with the parental situation from a broad yogic perspective:
• First and foremost is acceptance of the situation. So much of our suffering comes from wishing it otherwise.
• The other half of the acceptance equation is ones new role with parents – often a near complete reversal where the parent becomes the quasi-child and the child become the decision making and caretaking quasi-parent.
• If you have a yoga practice, do it as often as possible. It's easy to stop when stressed and time is short. If time is short, pick whatever part of your practice (e.g., postures, breathing, meditation, relaxation, prayer, ritual) that you feel gives you the most bang for your buck. Make sure you are as mentally present as possible when practicing and not simply checking it off the list.
• Breathe! Any kind of slow, methodical, deep breathing will help calm the nervous system and clear the mind.
• Get some cardiovascular exercise, especially earlier in the day. This will keep you calmer through the day as well as help with sleep.
• Try to avoid working on or discussing family matters (in person, via email, or on the phone) at least two hours before bed.
• Make sure you tease out some time for you! You can't be a good caregiver when you are tired, stressed, resentful, underfed, and unclear. What do you love? Do more of it.
• Stay connected – to yourself, to someone you love, to God or whatever you hold highest.
• Count your blessings.
Yours, in service,
KO
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